A most tempting offer

The name of my company is the result of a family joke: my father observed one day that I was always thinking about crime.  I wasn’t sure I’d be allowed to have the name but I was, and it’s memorable and funny.  And I don’t get as many odd approaches as you might imagine…  But today I’ve had a doozy.  Here it is in full (coming from the email address buyout at ovmconsulting dot com):

Dear Susan Grossey,

We are writing to you to express an interest in acquiring either the whole or part of your business.

As a Dubai, UAE based Private Investment Fund,  we are actively looking for investment opportunities in the UK market to build a portfolio of medium sized businesses which may be business we buy out completely or take an active role in investing both capital and management expertise.

At the outset we would like to reassure you that we can:

1. Complete any deal within 10 days subject to addressing all your concerns. To allay any concerns there are no fees involved from our side.
2. Every business is different, we need to work with you to understand what your future plans are and how we can work in partnership to realize your ambitions and goals. Depending on your circumstances and choices you may or may not wish to stay involved in a role that has to be agreed as the knowledge of the business will sit with you and that knowledge is invaluable.
3. We are not dependent on any external funding so any investments we make are from our funds so there are no lengthy contractual processes which create delays while a buyer or investor tries to secure funding.

In today’s uncertain environment surrounding the global impact of COVID-19 and how long this will last and what impact it will have on the economy only time will tell.  We can work together to manage both the current issues you may be facing and also prepare for the recovery. We do however believe that the following will occur and perhaps should have occurred many years ago:

1. There will a move to localization of business and less reliance on complicated supply chains spanning the world – this may take many years to play out, but it will require investment in new ways of working including re introducing more emphasis on self-manufacturing and local sourcing. We are happy to partner in making these investments.
2. It will become important to innovate both in terms of products and services rather than just compete on price and credit terms to your customers. This requires planning and investment.
3. In these troubled times, cash will be the undisputed “King Maker” of the future, therefore we can work with you to optimize your cash position both by new investment and using our experience to preserve cash. Simply borrowing to meet costs could fraught with problems in the long term.
4. Often in difficult times, we have worked and grown through 4 recessions, it is very hard for owners of businesses to deal with the supply chain and employees when they themselves look to you for faith and guidance and this can lead to high levels of stress. We can work with you to take this away from you but leaving you in control at the same time.

It would be good to set up a time to speak to understand whether there are any opportunities to work together either as complete buy out or working with you to manage the downturn and be ready to make the most of the recovery as the current pandemic passes.

Regards
Ravi Keshri

Managing Director

OVM Consulting Limited IC20130888
Suite 206
Swiss Tower
Jumeriah Lake Towers
Dubai 309073
United Arab Emirates

+91 9971877111

As you can imagine, I am delighted to hear that (a) we can move quickly, (b) they have funds ready to go, (c) they have plenty of cash to move through my business, and (d) they are willing to relieve me of the stress of making those pesky business decisions.

Of course, I am no fool and after consulting the latest Russell & Bromley catalogue (shoes to buy with my windfall!) and the Toast website (clothes to buy with my windfall!) I went straight to Companies House to check out OVM Consulting Limited.  Now I know that in the past I have been somewhat scathing of CH and the quality of the information that it provides, but this is because businesses can often sound more reliable and more solvent than they are.  Thankfully there are no such concerns with OVM Consulting.  I see that they are based in Birmingham rather than the UAE – much easier for meetings, once we’re able to move again – and sadly that they are over two years behind on their filings.  There’s a bit of jiggery pokery regarding their listing on the register.  And when it comes to their persons with significant control, it seems that my nice, friendly Mr Keshri is not the MD at all – he resigned as a director of any sort in October 2016.  Left holding the baby (appointed on the same day as Mr Kreshri’s resignation) is Mr Prasad Ram, in India.  I wonder if he even knows he’s on the CH register?

So sadly, everyone, it seems that there is no pot of gold in the UAE, waiting to buy out Thinking about Crime as a going concern.  But as a front for money laundering, well, it could just work – although I think they’d have to change the name.